I'm stuck. I willingly did this to myself with eyes wide open. Stupid. Like a deer in headlights too dumb to run away or even take one step. I deserve nothing better than this life. I hate this lack of self esteem. But the more I think about it, the more I see that it's just the truth. The fiancee can't wait to be out of the house and I have no friends because I'm a drag to be around. There is nothing inside me, I have nothing to say. Why would anyone listen to me and why do I even feel that they should?! Why do I keep asking people to go out and have a drink or something when I know they will say they already have plans or just not answer??! Why do I keep dragging the fiancee out when he clearly just wants to sit behind the computer and not have to spend time with a bore like me???!!! Why do I want to maybe find a job out of the house with actual colleagues when I know I never fit in anywhere and I'm not mentally strong enough for that???? Why don't I just realize that I'm not good for anything and none of that will ever happen and go crawl in a deep dark hole and stay there?????!!!!! Babygirl is the only one who loves me and she's not even old enough to see that her mom is just no good. Not even that. I'm nothing. I hope she will be a happy girl and woman with lots of friends who love her. I hope she will somehow learn to love herself. She won't get it from me. I hope that she'll still love me when she learns that her mom is a loser.

depressed

Why can't I just keep my big fat piehole shut!?

In terms of opening the thing up for food and more food and talking about how I feel. I want my fiancee to be honest about how he feels and what he thinks when it's relevant. People shouldn't bottle things up, it's not healthy. It took a while but now we can communicate about those things. So I tell him when I've been bingeing and when I'm depressed.
I shouldn't.
His reactions are meant well I know but he just doesn't understand and doesn't even try to understand. Whatever his reaction is, it'll push me further down in the hole I dug myself into.

My life is nothing! I love my daughter with all my heart, I love love love LOVE her she's my Babygirl! But I don't want to live my life through her. That's too much pressure for both of us. She'll end up like me if I do that. But I don't know what to do to be happy? I work from home, I love my job but only the job. As for the rest, hate it. It's lonely and boring and not stimulating at all. I chose for this. I chose it because it's all I can do, it's all I know. It's all I'll ever know! I chose it because I don't believe I can learn to do anything else and it's all I deserve.

I can't handle life lately. I can't handle playing the part like everyone else seems to do so easily. I want to do something else, to be something else. But it will never be so. Blech!

wallowing

I'm so depressed lately!!!! I hate feeling like this, something's got to change. And I'm sick too. Ofcourse.

I've binged so many times lately, it's not even funny anymore. Ofcourse I gained. And there's a course tonight I have to get to and I really don't want to go!! I just want to go to bed really early but ofcourse that's not even possible because of Babygirl. She's sick too but she's getting better. Hope that didn't jynx it *knocks on wood*

This has got to stop!

april fool's

Karma is pulling me pranks today.

I can't seem to break this plateau! If you can call it a plateau, it's my own damn fault. I was good yesterday actually, but there was too much cheese. So instead of going under my dreaded number, I went up again. It's a constant struggle, I want to binge!! But I don't, not really. Today it's vegan as much as possible and as little as possible. But tonight I'm going to my parents so that's not gonna happen. I'll have to continue to work on my weight in the weekend. Luckily we're not going anywhere and saturday's veggieday so my boyfriend won't want anything unhealthy and drag me along.

Also I cut my two thumbs, don't know on what or how, and it hurts to cook!

I feel fat. I actually heard a voice earlyer saying I'm not good at anything. I think it's just me telling me how it is.


Hope the weekend's better! I'll try to have fun and be happy =)

bingeville

Population: me

Everything went downhill since tuesday. I've put on weight, I've been bingeing, and I've been having multiple panic attacks every day. I'll indulge until monday and then it's got to be like before again!!!

OMFG

Now I understand why my boyfriend is overweight too. He's been fattened up by his mommy!!! And now she's trying to get to me too.
Everytime we go over there she gives us mountains of food. The meals would have been healthy if she wouldn't make these huuuuuuge portions and put soooo much sauces on everything! And dessert? Dessert is two desserts at least!!! And you HAVE to eat until everything is gone! Oh she doesn't eat seconds but we have to make sure there aren't any leftovers. So in one day of eating over there, I gained 1,5 kilograms!!!!!! In ONE DAY!!!!!!!!! And I didn't even eat the giant steak she fed everyone for the meat.

I won't humor her next time, If I don't want dressing on my veggies I'm not eating dressing, I'm not eating seconds and I'm only eating a few fries. And one dessert and not the huge piece she tries to paw off on everyone. She has alot of exercise everyday so she's really tiny and can eat all that shit but I can't. And there's nothing she can fucking do about it!!!!

Mother in laws... I'll be one of those monsters someday...

It's really hard!!!!
I just want to give up and eat everything in the house. I'm not hungry or anything but it's just a feeling.
I'm holding up and it's paying off. I've lost six kilos in five weeks. But it's tough!
Especially when you're used to eat what you crave when you crave it and getting away with it because there's a precious little person inside you that tells you what he or she needs.

I'd still love to just give up and get really really fat. But I won't be happy then either. I'd rather be struggling without the obesity thank you very much. So we're holding up! Or try to :P

It's getting really hard right now. I lost five kilos in six weeks. That's okay right. But it's hard to stick to this. Sometimes I like what I'm beginning to see in the mirror again, myself before the pregnancy plus only six kilos instead of eleven, but then I do a total 180 and hate all the flabs. I just can't seem to cut myself a break.

I feel bad when I eat, and when I eat I want to eat more.

There have been days where I ate hardly anything but had a mini-binge and lost the day after, and there was one day where I ate small healthy meals like a normal dieting person and gained. I don't understand anymore. Today is a day of normal eating. I'd love a good binge right now, I want to punish myself. I don't know for what? But I'm holding off.

It would be so nice to just give up, eat everything I want and get reeeeaaaaally fat. There's just no way to be happy! If I ever get to a healthy bmi I'll want to lose more or maybe maintain. And that's hard too!

Blech. Down today :(

Okay so ordering pizza is a big no-no. That's obvious ofcourse, but I never really felt it until yesterday!
Once a week we order in, more if I'm lazy or in a hurry, and saturday it was pizzatime. The fiancee chose the pizzaplace. The one I hate because it's supergreasy!!!! But I craved pizza so I just went with it. Should have ordered a salad...
The pizza sat in my stomach for more than a day!! I felt it sticking on the sides and some of it was stuck elsewhere too (tmi sorry)
Yesterday I hardly ate anything just because I was still full and uncomfortable with that sticky gunk in my body.
But it's gone now and I'm losing weight again. It's going smoothly and I'm sticking with it this time.
Just like that devilish pizza :P

here piggy piggy piggy

I feel like a pig. Oink.

Actually I only had about 800 calories today. Not too much fat. But I still feel so fat and such a loser!!!!!

Not eating went fine, until 5pm. I started to feel hungry. At first I decided to take a slice of bread. Loads of fiber and only 94 calories. But I wasn't satisfied. I took a piece of Dextro to get some energy. Then I had to take a handfull of chocolate pillow cereal!!! Oink oink.

I had to eat dinner at my parent's. My mom mostly cooks healthy, and this was a healthy night. But I had to go and eat dessert, chocolate pudding. And have two glasses of white wine.

Chocolate = trigger!

I know deep inside it wasn't so bad. But I feel so depressed and mad at myself!! Why couldn't I just make some coffee at 5pm?? Why did I eat the pudding??? Again, the scale will show the same number as yesterday tomorrow, or even a higher number!!! Blech.

I'm hoping to do a master cleanse next week, if no plans interfere. They will. I'll always be fat.

Damage is okay.

Less stomachpain this morning, too bad I love that feeling. I didn't gain but didn't lose either. Could be much worse so I'm happy. Today it's coffee and water for breakfast and lunch and I'll try not to eat too much dinner.

But that's not so easy!

I take what must be a reasonable amount, much less than I'd normally put on my plate, and then it looks like a mountain of food!! I start eating, smelling it, looking at it, trying to enjoy it, think while I put it in my mouth, little bites at a time, just eating in a healthy way really. But I'm not used to that, I used to eat very quickly with big bites. That's a way of eating that I don't enjoy anymore, but it's hard for me to stay focused.
I'm getting better, I can even feel it when I'm full now. A big step!



Maybe I'll get there after all... If I don't slip up.

blech

I shouldn't have eaten during the day. I shouldn't have eaten so many cheese either!!

Yesterday I didn't eat during the day, only lots of water with lemons, fiber and cayennepepper. Gotta love that drink! At night I ate a plate of food. It seemed to be so full... But my stomach had been working superhard during the night because I woke up with the worst muscle ache... In my stomach!! Just love that feeling!!!!! And I was very light too.

Tonights dinner will have set me back AT LEAST half a kilo. More like one I'm afraid. And it went so well...

No food for me tomorrow, except dinner because I have to :(

Oink!

trigger

I've discovered my trigger and it was no surprise.

Coffee! Not the regular black coffee I have every day thankfully, but the cappuccino from Nescafé. Not even 60 cals for a cup so why not right! But then I thought I should treat myself to a little sidesnack to go with it. I started eyeing the rice crackers the fiancée bought but they're salted and I hate those. Then I found m&m's with nuts, my favorite! So I took three out of the bag, all a different color. And then the old me started thinking... This whole bag seems like a pretty excellent binge.... And there's cheesesnacks and potato chips in the 'goodiecloset' (which I normally never open except for a martini, I hate potato chips) and I'd love to binge just one time...

But I've lost 4 kilos already and I plan to lose alot more, so I behaved and put the bag of m&m's away except the three yummy ones. And they tasted super!


Hopefully this bingemood will have subsided tonight, it's cheese bread and wine night. Cheese and bread are two of the things that make me gain like crazy when I eat too much.

And right now, I'd like to have too much...

Dinner went pretty well. Nice company and not too much food. But it feels like I binged big time! A whole meal seems soooo much... It seems like I've lost the joy I used to get from eating. Even when I restricted severely I loved the taste and feel of food. I even loved salad! Every little bite was heaven.

But now it's just something I have to do to seem normal to my fiancee and family. Something I have to do in order to stop feeling dizzy and confused all the time.

I still love cooking though. I do avoid tasting.

Maybe I'll try to fast tomorrow. Drink lemonjuice and water all day with some soluble fiber in it. If my body doesn't make me take a cup of soup with a slice of bread without me actively noticing. That happened today by the way, it was weird! I'm glad it was one cup of fresh home made vegetable soup with one slice of dark bread instead of the gigantic portion of cauliflower with cheese left over from yesterday. That's good, I would've eaten that first thing in the morning a couple of months ago. Progress!

The portion I ate tonight wasn't bad either. It was a normal-person-portion.

There will be weight gain or stagnation by the end of this week. Tomorrow we're eating all that's left over, thursday my friend comes over for a night of movies, bread cheese and wine, fridaynight I'm taking babygirl to my parents for dinner and in the weekends we always eat too much.

I'll make it a challenge to eat as little as possible. Stay focused, don't shove things in my mouth without thinking, and don't make it obvious! Fun.

Wish me luck!

I love weight loss! Even if it's just half a kilo. Better down than up!

Ofcourse we love giving dinner parties, and there are two planned this week!

I just love to cook. Tasting not so much, it feels like whole bingesize bites to me. Luckily I'm a veggie so I have to call the fiancee to taste the meat or fish and the sauces to go with it.
I'm confident that it won't affect my weight too much, my portioncontrol has been very good lately. Hopefully I can hold that feeling this time.

Well, I'm off to cook! I've got a whole day of preparing and planning ahead of me. I like to be elaborate when cooking for guests :P

I REALLY don't want to know the final calorie count of today...
Weekends are annoying!!
Food-wise ofcourse. I love going out with friends and visit family. If there only was a way to eat little enough! But I refuse to trick them.
I do know that I now eat less than I normally would. Just one healthy platefull with lots of veggies and no seconds. I'll try to fill my plate with way more veggies next time. That's not really a trick right :P
Too bad the fiancee kept shoving the appetisers in my face. Little pieces of toast with cream cheese and herbs. I had like five of those. Luckily I'm a vegetarian so there are less options to stuff my face with.
During coffee I rushed over to serve everybody, so I could decide my own portion of apple cake. Nobody notices if you take it yourself and don't have to fuss over the size of the piece. That might be a trick. But I didn't even think about it.
Next week will be a fresh start!
This week I lost more than half a kilo. Maybe I'll lose the rest of that kilo next week. Hopefully more!
EDIT: calorie count is kind of okay. For a weekend-day that is. Is it bad that my nails are a little blue and I'm loving it? :P

I love being able to eat almost nothing! That empty feeling feels amazing.

The fiancee went out friday night so he couldn't eat breakfast saturday morning. He likes to drink too much.
I just didn't eat either. He even ate before I did. And didn't even notice.

At 2pm he asked if we would get lunch. So we went out for chocolate fondue. Very lunchlike indeed :P
I had coffee, a few pieces of fruit and one little piece of nougat. I dipped the fruit in the chocolate so it had not even a dab of chocolate on it. Let him have all the marshmallows and brownies.

At 5pm we had been walking quite a bit and I had been pushing the stroller with my sweet babygirl. And I wondered out loud if I had burnt all the calories from the fondue. Yeah right, he said, with all the chocolate we had..

Ha.

He doesn't notice. So I just have to stay quiet about calories and he won't notice if I eat less.

At 7.30pm we went out to eat with babygirls godfather and his boyfriend. I just love those guys! With only the fruit and coffee in me we made a powerwalk to the restaurant.
I had tomatosoup (with cream yuck), a goat cheese salad and an irish coffee. Alot of calories, but it was a very fun night out so I tried to forget about that.

Today is an obligatory eating day. Poor stomach, it was just starting to shrink. I'll try to eat as little as I can. But can't promise myself anything. Luckily, my parents aren't as pushy, nobody has to clean their plate, full is full. Can't say that about his parents..


Next week I'll try to keep it up!

I ate nothing before 8pm today. Just to see if I could do it.

Ofcourse I had to eat dinner, me and my daughter spend our fridays at my parents' house. We ordered take out and I had veggie wok with one of those flat turkish bread thingies. I ate half of it.

I could have gone the whole day without eating, and really wanted to. But it's not worth lying to my parents. They don't need to worry needlessly.

The fiancee is going out so he won't be home till very late, or early if you will. So no breakfast and maybe no lunch needed tomorrow either, yay! :P I love the proud feeling it gives me to just not eat and be able to do everything I normally do. Makes me want to see how long I can go on like that!

What makes it okay for people to completely ignore you when you're saying something to them?

My boyfriend and best friend do that to me all the time. They don't even nod their head or anything!

At first I thought I must be boring the shit out of them with my nonsense. But then I realised that what they're saying is just as boring and unimportant as what I have to say!

Then why do I bother to listen and give a reaction when they don't do the same??!!

In case you haven't noticed; I'm a very unstable person. Always have been, always will be.

And I'm not happy either. I'm happy with some things in my life, like my little babygirl <3 but overall, I'm actually unhappy. I was always unhappy as a child so I never actually learned to be happy in general.

I figured something out though.

In order to be happy, I have to fake my life. I have to fake the intimacy, fake the sex, and eventually maybe even fake the love for my bf. I'd be just as miserable if I were a single mum, so why not be with somebody who can share the bills and the care for my baby? Might as well be the father right?

Yes I'm a bad person. My brain is not right, can't help it. There are good, happy, normal periods, but they always seem to end as abruptly as they start.

I used to think I'm bipolar. I'm not screwed up enough for that. Just not quite there, but not far from it.

I'm just normal enough to work and be a mom, not quite normal enough to do it completely right. Or completely sane.

Poor bf.

Poor Babygirl :( I hope she turns out better than mommy.

If someone reads this, there's a good chance they will laugh at me, feel sorry for me, or just don't understand. I'm not trying to get sympathy, it's just the way it is.

I don't like sex

I'm actually afraid to have sex

Yes I have a child, so I do it anyway. But I really dislike it and it's always a struggle. It makes me feel very scared and uncomfortable.
Why do it then?

Would you stay with somebody who doesn't fulfill your basic needs??

I do it for my boyfriend. I would only be so lucky to be with someone who thinks they'd rather not do it then do it with someone who doesn't want to. Someone who would want to work on this problem together and not force me to do things I don't want to do.
But that's not him. He's 'somewhat' of a selfish lover. And that's actually saving our relationship, how about that.
He's happy with one time on certain days of the week (we have three 'obligatory sexdays' which is actually more than the average couple with kid, whyyyy..)

I hate it, it makes me feel extremely... can't even explain the feeling I get because people just wouldn't understand. Only a few unlucky ones have the same problem.

No I wasn't sexually abused as a kid or raped or something.

But I do know somewhat about the cause of this.

Before you say, it's just because you need a good lay then you'll think differently...

I've never liked it, I've never wanted to do it! But that's just what you do when you have a boyfriend right? That's just what you do when you're in a serious relationship, and that's where babies come from.


Lately it's gotten so bad that I don't even like hugging, or touching, or kissing.

My poor boyfriend...  Too bad I'm the one with the fear, anxiety, general cattle-like feeling, and the guilt.

He just 'can't get any'

cals cals cals!

So yesterday I dove right back in and started counting calories and restricting again. The last time I did this I was one kilo away from my goal weight! But then we decided we would try to have a baby and I had to stop restricting. Bye bye goal weight, I'll miss you! Now there are alot more kilos to get rid of before I make it. Don't mind, babygirl is more than worth it <3

I guess this will be a blog about food and diet for awhile. That's just what I feel like talking about. It's hard when you wear your heart on your sleeve.

Then the only thing you can do is go bitch on an anonymous blog  =)

oh hell no(on)

Right now I't almost noon. A hell of a time for me. I work from home, so I can take care of my babygirl myself yay! But that also means I can eat whatever and whenever. And that's a problem. Yesterday I asked my boyfriend to hide the cookiejar. That's not the worst. I've been trying to find it this morning.

I don't have an eating disorder, but I do have disordered eating.

As in it doesn't interfere with my health (although I am obese, I don't feel like it impairs me in any way) or with my social life, but it's not what people would see as 'normal' eating. I never could eat normally, it's always been too much and too fatty/sugary, or too little.
At the moment the scale shows me the highest number ever. Don't mind so much though, I've only given birth like a few months ago and put on aloooooot of weight during pregnancy. It was a dream, I was never sick and the foodcravings were hilariously weird. BUT ofcourse I gave in to them way too often. As in all te time. Put on 20 kilo's! And lost, well, 3...

Yesterday I decided to do something about it. So my boyfriend had to hide the cookies. And the chocolates too. He loves me so he does it without looking at me like I'm an idiot without selfdiscipline :P

So:
recent weight: waaaaay to high
1st goal weight: waaaaay to high minus 5 kilos
ultimate goal weight: 64 kilos. Just enough to have a healthy bmi of 24.7

Sad huh. Hint: I've got a LONG way to go

Just a bore

I didn't start this blog to get followers. I started this blog because I need it! I need to, well, rant. Just talk about my day and my worries and happiness. There's alot of those.

So don't read it if you don't like people blabbing about that kind of thing, you'll just get annoyed  =)

I live with my boyfriend/fiancée and we have a beautiful babygirl. I don't have alot of friends but the few ones I have are alot of fun to be around. But we don't talk about the serious things in life; about our worries, fears, and deeper feelings. I used to, but they just don't listen and change the subject. When I try to talk to my boyfriend about those things, he reacts in the worst possible way. He means well! But he just can't make me feel better, instead he makes me feel worse. If I told him about something that worries me or makes me sad, or even when I tell him something that made me happy, when he reacts to it he makes me feel bad! Literally every time, you'd think he does it on purpose.

Maybe I'm just a bore, that's highly possible. I'll just be a bore on here then, nobody HAS to read here. But they can, that makes me feel a little bit heard. Now I don't have to put my friends and boyfriend to sleep with my yammering about my day. My daughter listens though, she doesn't understand me yet but she always makes me feel so happy and proud with her gorgeous smile <3