It's getting really hard right now. I lost five kilos in six weeks. That's okay right. But it's hard to stick to this. Sometimes I like what I'm beginning to see in the mirror again, myself before the pregnancy plus only six kilos instead of eleven, but then I do a total 180 and hate all the flabs. I just can't seem to cut myself a break.

I feel bad when I eat, and when I eat I want to eat more.

There have been days where I ate hardly anything but had a mini-binge and lost the day after, and there was one day where I ate small healthy meals like a normal dieting person and gained. I don't understand anymore. Today is a day of normal eating. I'd love a good binge right now, I want to punish myself. I don't know for what? But I'm holding off.

It would be so nice to just give up, eat everything I want and get reeeeaaaaally fat. There's just no way to be happy! If I ever get to a healthy bmi I'll want to lose more or maybe maintain. And that's hard too!

Blech. Down today :(