In case you haven't noticed; I'm a very unstable person. Always have been, always will be.

And I'm not happy either. I'm happy with some things in my life, like my little babygirl <3 but overall, I'm actually unhappy. I was always unhappy as a child so I never actually learned to be happy in general.

I figured something out though.

In order to be happy, I have to fake my life. I have to fake the intimacy, fake the sex, and eventually maybe even fake the love for my bf. I'd be just as miserable if I were a single mum, so why not be with somebody who can share the bills and the care for my baby? Might as well be the father right?

Yes I'm a bad person. My brain is not right, can't help it. There are good, happy, normal periods, but they always seem to end as abruptly as they start.

I used to think I'm bipolar. I'm not screwed up enough for that. Just not quite there, but not far from it.

I'm just normal enough to work and be a mom, not quite normal enough to do it completely right. Or completely sane.

Poor bf.

Poor Babygirl :( I hope she turns out better than mommy.

If someone reads this, there's a good chance they will laugh at me, feel sorry for me, or just don't understand. I'm not trying to get sympathy, it's just the way it is.

I don't like sex

I'm actually afraid to have sex

Yes I have a child, so I do it anyway. But I really dislike it and it's always a struggle. It makes me feel very scared and uncomfortable.
Why do it then?

Would you stay with somebody who doesn't fulfill your basic needs??

I do it for my boyfriend. I would only be so lucky to be with someone who thinks they'd rather not do it then do it with someone who doesn't want to. Someone who would want to work on this problem together and not force me to do things I don't want to do.
But that's not him. He's 'somewhat' of a selfish lover. And that's actually saving our relationship, how about that.
He's happy with one time on certain days of the week (we have three 'obligatory sexdays' which is actually more than the average couple with kid, whyyyy..)

I hate it, it makes me feel extremely... can't even explain the feeling I get because people just wouldn't understand. Only a few unlucky ones have the same problem.

No I wasn't sexually abused as a kid or raped or something.

But I do know somewhat about the cause of this.

Before you say, it's just because you need a good lay then you'll think differently...

I've never liked it, I've never wanted to do it! But that's just what you do when you have a boyfriend right? That's just what you do when you're in a serious relationship, and that's where babies come from.


Lately it's gotten so bad that I don't even like hugging, or touching, or kissing.

My poor boyfriend...  Too bad I'm the one with the fear, anxiety, general cattle-like feeling, and the guilt.

He just 'can't get any'

cals cals cals!

So yesterday I dove right back in and started counting calories and restricting again. The last time I did this I was one kilo away from my goal weight! But then we decided we would try to have a baby and I had to stop restricting. Bye bye goal weight, I'll miss you! Now there are alot more kilos to get rid of before I make it. Don't mind, babygirl is more than worth it <3

I guess this will be a blog about food and diet for awhile. That's just what I feel like talking about. It's hard when you wear your heart on your sleeve.

Then the only thing you can do is go bitch on an anonymous blog  =)

oh hell no(on)

Right now I't almost noon. A hell of a time for me. I work from home, so I can take care of my babygirl myself yay! But that also means I can eat whatever and whenever. And that's a problem. Yesterday I asked my boyfriend to hide the cookiejar. That's not the worst. I've been trying to find it this morning.

I don't have an eating disorder, but I do have disordered eating.

As in it doesn't interfere with my health (although I am obese, I don't feel like it impairs me in any way) or with my social life, but it's not what people would see as 'normal' eating. I never could eat normally, it's always been too much and too fatty/sugary, or too little.
At the moment the scale shows me the highest number ever. Don't mind so much though, I've only given birth like a few months ago and put on aloooooot of weight during pregnancy. It was a dream, I was never sick and the foodcravings were hilariously weird. BUT ofcourse I gave in to them way too often. As in all te time. Put on 20 kilo's! And lost, well, 3...

Yesterday I decided to do something about it. So my boyfriend had to hide the cookies. And the chocolates too. He loves me so he does it without looking at me like I'm an idiot without selfdiscipline :P

So:
recent weight: waaaaay to high
1st goal weight: waaaaay to high minus 5 kilos
ultimate goal weight: 64 kilos. Just enough to have a healthy bmi of 24.7

Sad huh. Hint: I've got a LONG way to go

Just a bore

I didn't start this blog to get followers. I started this blog because I need it! I need to, well, rant. Just talk about my day and my worries and happiness. There's alot of those.

So don't read it if you don't like people blabbing about that kind of thing, you'll just get annoyed  =)

I live with my boyfriend/fiancée and we have a beautiful babygirl. I don't have alot of friends but the few ones I have are alot of fun to be around. But we don't talk about the serious things in life; about our worries, fears, and deeper feelings. I used to, but they just don't listen and change the subject. When I try to talk to my boyfriend about those things, he reacts in the worst possible way. He means well! But he just can't make me feel better, instead he makes me feel worse. If I told him about something that worries me or makes me sad, or even when I tell him something that made me happy, when he reacts to it he makes me feel bad! Literally every time, you'd think he does it on purpose.

Maybe I'm just a bore, that's highly possible. I'll just be a bore on here then, nobody HAS to read here. But they can, that makes me feel a little bit heard. Now I don't have to put my friends and boyfriend to sleep with my yammering about my day. My daughter listens though, she doesn't understand me yet but she always makes me feel so happy and proud with her gorgeous smile <3