It's getting really hard right now. I lost five kilos in six weeks. That's okay right. But it's hard to stick to this. Sometimes I like what I'm beginning to see in the mirror again, myself before the pregnancy plus only six kilos instead of eleven, but then I do a total 180 and hate all the flabs. I just can't seem to cut myself a break.

I feel bad when I eat, and when I eat I want to eat more.

There have been days where I ate hardly anything but had a mini-binge and lost the day after, and there was one day where I ate small healthy meals like a normal dieting person and gained. I don't understand anymore. Today is a day of normal eating. I'd love a good binge right now, I want to punish myself. I don't know for what? But I'm holding off.

It would be so nice to just give up, eat everything I want and get reeeeaaaaally fat. There's just no way to be happy! If I ever get to a healthy bmi I'll want to lose more or maybe maintain. And that's hard too!

Blech. Down today :(

Okay so ordering pizza is a big no-no. That's obvious ofcourse, but I never really felt it until yesterday!
Once a week we order in, more if I'm lazy or in a hurry, and saturday it was pizzatime. The fiancee chose the pizzaplace. The one I hate because it's supergreasy!!!! But I craved pizza so I just went with it. Should have ordered a salad...
The pizza sat in my stomach for more than a day!! I felt it sticking on the sides and some of it was stuck elsewhere too (tmi sorry)
Yesterday I hardly ate anything just because I was still full and uncomfortable with that sticky gunk in my body.
But it's gone now and I'm losing weight again. It's going smoothly and I'm sticking with it this time.
Just like that devilish pizza :P

here piggy piggy piggy

I feel like a pig. Oink.

Actually I only had about 800 calories today. Not too much fat. But I still feel so fat and such a loser!!!!!

Not eating went fine, until 5pm. I started to feel hungry. At first I decided to take a slice of bread. Loads of fiber and only 94 calories. But I wasn't satisfied. I took a piece of Dextro to get some energy. Then I had to take a handfull of chocolate pillow cereal!!! Oink oink.

I had to eat dinner at my parent's. My mom mostly cooks healthy, and this was a healthy night. But I had to go and eat dessert, chocolate pudding. And have two glasses of white wine.

Chocolate = trigger!

I know deep inside it wasn't so bad. But I feel so depressed and mad at myself!! Why couldn't I just make some coffee at 5pm?? Why did I eat the pudding??? Again, the scale will show the same number as yesterday tomorrow, or even a higher number!!! Blech.

I'm hoping to do a master cleanse next week, if no plans interfere. They will. I'll always be fat.

Damage is okay.

Less stomachpain this morning, too bad I love that feeling. I didn't gain but didn't lose either. Could be much worse so I'm happy. Today it's coffee and water for breakfast and lunch and I'll try not to eat too much dinner.

But that's not so easy!

I take what must be a reasonable amount, much less than I'd normally put on my plate, and then it looks like a mountain of food!! I start eating, smelling it, looking at it, trying to enjoy it, think while I put it in my mouth, little bites at a time, just eating in a healthy way really. But I'm not used to that, I used to eat very quickly with big bites. That's a way of eating that I don't enjoy anymore, but it's hard for me to stay focused.
I'm getting better, I can even feel it when I'm full now. A big step!



Maybe I'll get there after all... If I don't slip up.

blech

I shouldn't have eaten during the day. I shouldn't have eaten so many cheese either!!

Yesterday I didn't eat during the day, only lots of water with lemons, fiber and cayennepepper. Gotta love that drink! At night I ate a plate of food. It seemed to be so full... But my stomach had been working superhard during the night because I woke up with the worst muscle ache... In my stomach!! Just love that feeling!!!!! And I was very light too.

Tonights dinner will have set me back AT LEAST half a kilo. More like one I'm afraid. And it went so well...

No food for me tomorrow, except dinner because I have to :(

Oink!

trigger

I've discovered my trigger and it was no surprise.

Coffee! Not the regular black coffee I have every day thankfully, but the cappuccino from Nescafé. Not even 60 cals for a cup so why not right! But then I thought I should treat myself to a little sidesnack to go with it. I started eyeing the rice crackers the fiancée bought but they're salted and I hate those. Then I found m&m's with nuts, my favorite! So I took three out of the bag, all a different color. And then the old me started thinking... This whole bag seems like a pretty excellent binge.... And there's cheesesnacks and potato chips in the 'goodiecloset' (which I normally never open except for a martini, I hate potato chips) and I'd love to binge just one time...

But I've lost 4 kilos already and I plan to lose alot more, so I behaved and put the bag of m&m's away except the three yummy ones. And they tasted super!


Hopefully this bingemood will have subsided tonight, it's cheese bread and wine night. Cheese and bread are two of the things that make me gain like crazy when I eat too much.

And right now, I'd like to have too much...

Dinner went pretty well. Nice company and not too much food. But it feels like I binged big time! A whole meal seems soooo much... It seems like I've lost the joy I used to get from eating. Even when I restricted severely I loved the taste and feel of food. I even loved salad! Every little bite was heaven.

But now it's just something I have to do to seem normal to my fiancee and family. Something I have to do in order to stop feeling dizzy and confused all the time.

I still love cooking though. I do avoid tasting.

Maybe I'll try to fast tomorrow. Drink lemonjuice and water all day with some soluble fiber in it. If my body doesn't make me take a cup of soup with a slice of bread without me actively noticing. That happened today by the way, it was weird! I'm glad it was one cup of fresh home made vegetable soup with one slice of dark bread instead of the gigantic portion of cauliflower with cheese left over from yesterday. That's good, I would've eaten that first thing in the morning a couple of months ago. Progress!

The portion I ate tonight wasn't bad either. It was a normal-person-portion.

There will be weight gain or stagnation by the end of this week. Tomorrow we're eating all that's left over, thursday my friend comes over for a night of movies, bread cheese and wine, fridaynight I'm taking babygirl to my parents for dinner and in the weekends we always eat too much.

I'll make it a challenge to eat as little as possible. Stay focused, don't shove things in my mouth without thinking, and don't make it obvious! Fun.

Wish me luck!