I'm stuck. I willingly did this to myself with eyes wide open. Stupid. Like a deer in headlights too dumb to run away or even take one step. I deserve nothing better than this life. I hate this lack of self esteem. But the more I think about it, the more I see that it's just the truth. The fiancee can't wait to be out of the house and I have no friends because I'm a drag to be around. There is nothing inside me, I have nothing to say. Why would anyone listen to me and why do I even feel that they should?! Why do I keep asking people to go out and have a drink or something when I know they will say they already have plans or just not answer??! Why do I keep dragging the fiancee out when he clearly just wants to sit behind the computer and not have to spend time with a bore like me???!!! Why do I want to maybe find a job out of the house with actual colleagues when I know I never fit in anywhere and I'm not mentally strong enough for that???? Why don't I just realize that I'm not good for anything and none of that will ever happen and go crawl in a deep dark hole and stay there?????!!!!! Babygirl is the only one who loves me and she's not even old enough to see that her mom is just no good. Not even that. I'm nothing. I hope she will be a happy girl and woman with lots of friends who love her. I hope she will somehow learn to love herself. She won't get it from me. I hope that she'll still love me when she learns that her mom is a loser.

depressed

Why can't I just keep my big fat piehole shut!?

In terms of opening the thing up for food and more food and talking about how I feel. I want my fiancee to be honest about how he feels and what he thinks when it's relevant. People shouldn't bottle things up, it's not healthy. It took a while but now we can communicate about those things. So I tell him when I've been bingeing and when I'm depressed.
I shouldn't.
His reactions are meant well I know but he just doesn't understand and doesn't even try to understand. Whatever his reaction is, it'll push me further down in the hole I dug myself into.

My life is nothing! I love my daughter with all my heart, I love love love LOVE her she's my Babygirl! But I don't want to live my life through her. That's too much pressure for both of us. She'll end up like me if I do that. But I don't know what to do to be happy? I work from home, I love my job but only the job. As for the rest, hate it. It's lonely and boring and not stimulating at all. I chose for this. I chose it because it's all I can do, it's all I know. It's all I'll ever know! I chose it because I don't believe I can learn to do anything else and it's all I deserve.

I can't handle life lately. I can't handle playing the part like everyone else seems to do so easily. I want to do something else, to be something else. But it will never be so. Blech!

wallowing

I'm so depressed lately!!!! I hate feeling like this, something's got to change. And I'm sick too. Ofcourse.

I've binged so many times lately, it's not even funny anymore. Ofcourse I gained. And there's a course tonight I have to get to and I really don't want to go!! I just want to go to bed really early but ofcourse that's not even possible because of Babygirl. She's sick too but she's getting better. Hope that didn't jynx it *knocks on wood*

This has got to stop!

april fool's

Karma is pulling me pranks today.

I can't seem to break this plateau! If you can call it a plateau, it's my own damn fault. I was good yesterday actually, but there was too much cheese. So instead of going under my dreaded number, I went up again. It's a constant struggle, I want to binge!! But I don't, not really. Today it's vegan as much as possible and as little as possible. But tonight I'm going to my parents so that's not gonna happen. I'll have to continue to work on my weight in the weekend. Luckily we're not going anywhere and saturday's veggieday so my boyfriend won't want anything unhealthy and drag me along.

Also I cut my two thumbs, don't know on what or how, and it hurts to cook!

I feel fat. I actually heard a voice earlyer saying I'm not good at anything. I think it's just me telling me how it is.


Hope the weekend's better! I'll try to have fun and be happy =)

bingeville

Population: me

Everything went downhill since tuesday. I've put on weight, I've been bingeing, and I've been having multiple panic attacks every day. I'll indulge until monday and then it's got to be like before again!!!

OMFG

Now I understand why my boyfriend is overweight too. He's been fattened up by his mommy!!! And now she's trying to get to me too.
Everytime we go over there she gives us mountains of food. The meals would have been healthy if she wouldn't make these huuuuuuge portions and put soooo much sauces on everything! And dessert? Dessert is two desserts at least!!! And you HAVE to eat until everything is gone! Oh she doesn't eat seconds but we have to make sure there aren't any leftovers. So in one day of eating over there, I gained 1,5 kilograms!!!!!! In ONE DAY!!!!!!!!! And I didn't even eat the giant steak she fed everyone for the meat.

I won't humor her next time, If I don't want dressing on my veggies I'm not eating dressing, I'm not eating seconds and I'm only eating a few fries. And one dessert and not the huge piece she tries to paw off on everyone. She has alot of exercise everyday so she's really tiny and can eat all that shit but I can't. And there's nothing she can fucking do about it!!!!

Mother in laws... I'll be one of those monsters someday...

It's really hard!!!!
I just want to give up and eat everything in the house. I'm not hungry or anything but it's just a feeling.
I'm holding up and it's paying off. I've lost six kilos in five weeks. But it's tough!
Especially when you're used to eat what you crave when you crave it and getting away with it because there's a precious little person inside you that tells you what he or she needs.

I'd still love to just give up and get really really fat. But I won't be happy then either. I'd rather be struggling without the obesity thank you very much. So we're holding up! Or try to :P